I met another guy that I met on the "oh so very expensive dating site" that I joined after the holidays. We had some fun banter back and forth. He would ask me five questions and I would answer and there was always a fun question at the end of the list, like... "How much wood does a wood chuck chuck?" I actually had a lot of fun retreiving my emails and couldn't wait until the next set of questions came. It was pretty silly and superficial like..."What's your favorite food?" Most of the questions were crap that wouldn't make or break a relationship anyway, but what the heck!!
We decide to meet at a park for a hike. I like to go to parks for hikes because I like men who are fit and I can tell if they are panting and sweating after a 45 minute walk, that they are not for me!! When he arrives at the meeting place, I hope I am seeing things!! The guy was pumpkin orange...only, just his face. He must have decided that his ear lobe would be the dividing line between tan (if you can call it that) and not tan. He must have thought that I was stupid enough to think that that is how the sun works.
We're walking along and we are having great conversation, but I can't look at him or I am going to laugh my a-- off! I'm so frustrated and the only thing I'm thinking is: "can I fix this?". Each time I peeked at him, I had an incredible urge to wipe his face with a soapy wash cloth, but I know it's really gonna take a couple hours with a scratchy loofa to get it off. I am in the beauty industry, ya know, so I know how these products work. He needed an exfoliater!!
We leave after an hour and he passes the "panting test". Yep, he's not sweaty or anything!! I had a nice time, but I can't get over the fake self-tanner!! We had already made a date for the next weekend when I didn't have my kids. As the week preceeding the next date went on, I felt more and more sick to my stomach! The night before my date I subconsiously try to sabotage our night out and I emailed him my own set of questions: 1."Why would your ex-wife say that things didn't work out?" 2. "What do you think of President Clinton?" (He's a Republican and I am a Democrat). and 3. "What kind of parent were you? (I can't stand spoiled kids!). Couldn't think of 5 questions and three was gonna cover it all, I thought.
Three hours before the date, I was sick to my stomach and I am not "feelin it". I get home from work and check my email and his response to my questions were there for my reading pleasure. His wife, he replies, would say that he wasn't there for her (cope out). I then, can't belive my eyes when I read his response to the question about President Clinton. He said that President Clinton will go down in history as being the second worst President EVER! WHAT?? I can't imagine who his first "worst President" would be?? I didn't read the rest...didn't need to. Are you kidding me?
I then emailed him and said "I wasn't feeling it". I called him ,too, just to make sure that he GOT THE MESSAGE!! He never called or replied back and I didn't know if he got the message or not, so I have to do what I think "Lucy" (from the silly "The Lucy Show") would do. I crawled around on all fours in my house so he would think I wasn't home just in case he didn't get the message. Yep, I had to crawl around for an entire hour (Ifigured a half hour before he was going to pick me up and a half hour after would be sufficient!!
OK, Guys, no self-tanner EVER! You are supposed to be pastey white because you worked in the office all week. AND, if your political views are different from mine, at least be empathetic enough to know what NOT to say. I bet his ex-wife would say that he lacked EMPATHY and he was all about himself!!
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Disaster Dates
My name is Ellen and I have been divorced now for Four and a half years. I was in a two year relationship with a man who I thought was the love of my life, and found out that he had anger-management issues, then I finally dumped him and dated a guy who neglected to break up with his girlfriend. I will never forget getting "the call" from the girlfriend. "I don't know what he's telling you, but he's telling me that..."blah, blah, blah. I have been on about twenty first dates ever since and I can't beleive how clueless these guys are. Here is an example of the last disaster date I was on.
I met him on line. Big surprize!! Where, the heck, else are you going to meet someone when you own a hair salon who caters to mostly women? He and I chatted back and forth for a couple weeks. He was an optomitrist, had kids about the same age as mine, attractive picture, yada, yada, yada. We met at a restaurant for lunch near his kids school and my business. I got to the restaurant first and realized that it was closed on Mondays. I tried to call him on his cell, but he didn't answer. After a couple minutes, I see this God-awful car pull into the parking lot and, much to my dismay, recognize HIS face in the driver's seat!!
Kay, I'm not into cars, but I knew THIS car. Yep, from my high school days!! I beleive it was a 1982 Cutless Supreme...white...dings everywhere...and the vinyl on top had peeled off and exposed the fuzzy stuff underneath. (I always wanted to know what was underneath the vinyl on the hood of a car--NOT!). I've never felt compelled to give a car a haircut before either. I visioned myself with clippers buzzing off the fuzz. Maybe optometry isn't as successful a career as I though it would be.?
He gets out of the car and notices me staring at, I'll call it, "the fuzz mobile". He says: "oh, your looking at my car? Well, there's a story behind it." "Oh, do tell", I sarcastically reply. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore because I get so f---rustrated by these idiots. He tells me his OTHER car is in the shop and this is the loaner that the shop gave him. Are you kidding me?? Surely, if you know that you are subjected to a ghetto mobile for the day, you would say, "hey, Ellen, can we make it Friday instead of Monday for lunch?" THAT would have been the smart thing to do. I am not even into cars, I'm into shoes. Your shoes go with me everywhere I go. Your car sits out in the parking lot...BUT this was an extenuating circumstance. There were windows in the restaurant that we decided to "drive" to, and I use the term "drive"loosely. I think his car "slothed" there. That car was not capable of being driven. I liken it to a manatee swimming through water.
I get to the restaurant before he does, and I anxiously wait for his arrival. I am biting my tongue and hoping everyone at Panera is wifiing or networking with business associates and they are not looking out the window. Funny thing is...I was so worried about his car that I failed to notice what he was wearing when he pulled into the parking lot of the first restaurant we agreed to meet. He gets out of the "fuzzmobile" and walks to the entrance where I am waiting. His clothes, yep, they are worse than the car!! His pants are hiked up to his ribs and I can see his...no, you dirty mind...I can see his SOCKS!! I beleive you should only see a man's socks when he's sitting down. I didn't even notice his shoes because I was so shocked by the fact I could see the socks. That's bad when you don't even notice the shoes. It's kind of like when Heidi Klum says that the worst insult you can give a clothing designer is "no comment". Yea, big fat no comment here. Are you kidding me. I felt like the pants had to be hiked up so much because he was so skinny, he had to scarcely find a part of anatomy fleshy enough that he could wedge his belt in-between. I think he was the "poster dude" for suspenders. At least if he was wearing suspenders, his pants would have been the right length, although I would have wondered about suspenders, too.
Kay, guys...make sure you don't bring your "loner" to the first meeting. Make sure your clothes fit, and NEVER...NEVER, EVER let them see your socks!!
I have tons more stories like these and I hope you will tell your friends to check out my stories. I have helpful hints for the guys and I hope you share this site with as many of your single guy friends so that I can educate these poor men. My goal is to help as many people as possible through the craziness of dating post-divorce!!
I met him on line. Big surprize!! Where, the heck, else are you going to meet someone when you own a hair salon who caters to mostly women? He and I chatted back and forth for a couple weeks. He was an optomitrist, had kids about the same age as mine, attractive picture, yada, yada, yada. We met at a restaurant for lunch near his kids school and my business. I got to the restaurant first and realized that it was closed on Mondays. I tried to call him on his cell, but he didn't answer. After a couple minutes, I see this God-awful car pull into the parking lot and, much to my dismay, recognize HIS face in the driver's seat!!
Kay, I'm not into cars, but I knew THIS car. Yep, from my high school days!! I beleive it was a 1982 Cutless Supreme...white...dings everywhere...and the vinyl on top had peeled off and exposed the fuzzy stuff underneath. (I always wanted to know what was underneath the vinyl on the hood of a car--NOT!). I've never felt compelled to give a car a haircut before either. I visioned myself with clippers buzzing off the fuzz. Maybe optometry isn't as successful a career as I though it would be.?
He gets out of the car and notices me staring at, I'll call it, "the fuzz mobile". He says: "oh, your looking at my car? Well, there's a story behind it." "Oh, do tell", I sarcastically reply. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve anymore because I get so f---rustrated by these idiots. He tells me his OTHER car is in the shop and this is the loaner that the shop gave him. Are you kidding me?? Surely, if you know that you are subjected to a ghetto mobile for the day, you would say, "hey, Ellen, can we make it Friday instead of Monday for lunch?" THAT would have been the smart thing to do. I am not even into cars, I'm into shoes. Your shoes go with me everywhere I go. Your car sits out in the parking lot...BUT this was an extenuating circumstance. There were windows in the restaurant that we decided to "drive" to, and I use the term "drive"loosely. I think his car "slothed" there. That car was not capable of being driven. I liken it to a manatee swimming through water.
I get to the restaurant before he does, and I anxiously wait for his arrival. I am biting my tongue and hoping everyone at Panera is wifiing or networking with business associates and they are not looking out the window. Funny thing is...I was so worried about his car that I failed to notice what he was wearing when he pulled into the parking lot of the first restaurant we agreed to meet. He gets out of the "fuzzmobile" and walks to the entrance where I am waiting. His clothes, yep, they are worse than the car!! His pants are hiked up to his ribs and I can see his...no, you dirty mind...I can see his SOCKS!! I beleive you should only see a man's socks when he's sitting down. I didn't even notice his shoes because I was so shocked by the fact I could see the socks. That's bad when you don't even notice the shoes. It's kind of like when Heidi Klum says that the worst insult you can give a clothing designer is "no comment". Yea, big fat no comment here. Are you kidding me. I felt like the pants had to be hiked up so much because he was so skinny, he had to scarcely find a part of anatomy fleshy enough that he could wedge his belt in-between. I think he was the "poster dude" for suspenders. At least if he was wearing suspenders, his pants would have been the right length, although I would have wondered about suspenders, too.
Kay, guys...make sure you don't bring your "loner" to the first meeting. Make sure your clothes fit, and NEVER...NEVER, EVER let them see your socks!!
I have tons more stories like these and I hope you will tell your friends to check out my stories. I have helpful hints for the guys and I hope you share this site with as many of your single guy friends so that I can educate these poor men. My goal is to help as many people as possible through the craziness of dating post-divorce!!
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