Fake Guy

I met another guy that I met on the "oh so very expensive dating site" that I joined after the holidays. We had some fun banter back and forth. He would ask me five questions and I would answer and there was always a fun question at the end of the list, like... "How much wood does a wood chuck chuck?" I actually had a lot of fun retreiving my emails and couldn't wait until the next set of questions came. It was pretty silly and superficial like..."What's your favorite food?" Most of the questions were crap that wouldn't make or break a relationship anyway, but what the heck!!

We decide to meet at a park for a hike. I like to go to parks for hikes because I like men who are fit and I can tell if they are panting and sweating after a 45 minute walk, that they are not for me!! When he arrives at the meeting place, I hope I am seeing things!! The guy was pumpkin orange...only, just his face. He must have decided that his ear lobe would be the dividing line between tan (if you can call it that) and not tan. He must have thought that I was stupid enough to think that that is how the sun works.

We're walking along and we are having great conversation, but I can't look at him or I am going to laugh my a-- off! I'm so frustrated and the only thing I'm thinking is: "can I fix this?". Each time I peeked at him, I had an incredible urge to wipe his face with a soapy wash cloth, but I know it's really gonna take a couple hours with a scratchy loofa to get it off. I am in the beauty industry, ya know, so I know how these products work. He needed an exfoliater!!

We leave after an hour and he passes the "panting test". Yep, he's not sweaty or anything!! I had a nice time, but I can't get over the fake self-tanner!! We had already made a date for the next weekend when I didn't have my kids. As the week preceeding the next date went on, I felt more and more sick to my stomach! The night before my date I subconsiously try to sabotage our night out and I emailed him my own set of questions: 1."Why would your ex-wife say that things didn't work out?" 2. "What do you think of President Clinton?" (He's a Republican and I am a Democrat). and 3. "What kind of parent were you? (I can't stand spoiled kids!). Couldn't think of 5 questions and three was gonna cover it all, I thought.

Three hours before the date, I was sick to my stomach and I am not "feelin it". I get home from work and check my email and his response to my questions were there for my reading pleasure. His wife, he replies, would say that he wasn't there for her (cope out). I then, can't belive my eyes when I read his response to the question about President Clinton. He said that President Clinton will go down in history as being the second worst President EVER! WHAT?? I can't imagine who his first "worst President" would be?? I didn't read the rest...didn't need to. Are you kidding me?

I then emailed him and said "I wasn't feeling it". I called him ,too, just to make sure that he GOT THE MESSAGE!! He never called or replied back and I didn't know if he got the message or not, so I have to do what I think "Lucy" (from the silly "The Lucy Show") would do. I crawled around on all fours in my house so he would think I wasn't home just in case he didn't get the message. Yep, I had to crawl around for an entire hour (Ifigured a half hour before he was going to pick me up and a half hour after would be sufficient!!

OK, Guys, no self-tanner EVER! You are supposed to be pastey white because you worked in the office all week. AND, if your political views are different from mine, at least be empathetic enough to know what NOT to say. I bet his ex-wife would say that he lacked EMPATHY and he was all about himself!!